


Changes

by whoneedsapublisher



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 00:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30131535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoneedsapublisher/pseuds/whoneedsapublisher
Summary: People don't stay the same. Umi is a different person than she was when she joined μ’s. But not all change comes easily.
Relationships: Kousaka Honoka/Sonoda Umi
Kudos: 30
Collections: Idol Fanfic Heaven's Wake Up Challenger Event 2021





	Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Love Live Wake Up Challenger Easy-6 "Write LL characters in the middle of an idol training session/camp"

Umi had changed recently.

She’d always been sensible. Ever since she was a child, she’d been praised for being mature, and that had always been her favourite compliment to receive. “Oh, you’re such a good girl,” her mother’s friends had said. “Such a polite little girl. Is she really only five years old? She’s so much more mature than my Taro, and Taro’s nearly seven now!”

She knew she had high expectations on her shoulders, and she’d always strived to reach them. Sometimes people her age would complain about her being “too serious” or “no fun”, but she didn’t care about that. Her parents praised her, her teachers praised her. All the adults around her thought that her seriousness and traditional values were a _good_ thing, and those were the opinions she cared about.

Well, other than Honoka and Kotori’s opinions, of course.

In fact, Honoka was always the one who seemed to make her bend away from that. Whenever she’d gotten in trouble as a kid, her parents had always been so disappointed. “I thought you were smarter than this, Umi,” her father would say, sighing. “I guess you really are still just a kid.”

Those words had hurt Umi. They should have been what she wanted to avoid most after all, and yet, only days later, she’d let Honoka talk her into something she knew she shouldn’t do. It was the same with μ’s. If she wanted to be taken seriously, to have people think she was mature and sensible, the last thing she should be doing was wearing frilly, embarrassing outfits and traipsing about on stage acting all… _bubbly._

And yet, she let Honoka and Kotori convince her. She let Kotori coax her into believing that Honoka was taking this seriously, and she’d let that be enough for her to help.

But this time, something inside her had changed. Being part of μ’s had made her a different person than she had been at the start. She didn’t balk at wearing short skirts anymore. She didn’t mind doing cutesy smiles for fans, or ridiculous poses- although she was fairly sure she would _never_ be as shameless as Nico on that front. Still, if her past self saw half of what she’d done as an idol, she had no doubt that she would have been horrified.

Somewhere along the line, being seen as mature had stopped mattering to her so much. Even though it had been so important to her before, now it almost seemed silly to care about. She was still working hard. She hadn’t become a needlessly frivolous or shallow person. So what did it matter if she did things that seemed a little silly to other people? So what if an adult looked at her and guessed her age correctly? Was it so wrong to act like a teenager when she _was_ a teenager?

Something else had changed too, though. And this change was one that Umi was not nearly as comfortable with.

She’d first noticed it at practice.

“Umi? Earth to Umi, hellooo?”

Umi jumped, startled out of her thoughts as Nico tapped rudely on her head with her knuckles.

“What? What is it?” she said.

Nico sighed huffily, crossing her arms dramatically.

“Like. I. Said,” she said, stresing each word deliberately. “We’re splitting into subunits, and Lily White has the clubroom today for planning. And _you_ are supposed to be going with them to work on lyrics, not spacing out and staring at nothing when I’m trying to get your attention!”

“Right, right,” Umi said hurriedly. “Lyrics. Let me just get them from my bag.”

Grabbing the opportunity to disengage from this conversation, her face burning, she scrambled off towards her stuff, leaving Nico glaring after her.

Because Nico had been wrong. Umi had _not_ been staring at nothing. She had definitely been staring at something. Or, more precisely, some _one_.

Umi had always been drawn to Honoka, but recently, she’d found herself… staring. Before, it was easy to understand: they were friends, part of Umi kind of admired Honoka, she was endearing, and so on. Plenty of perfectly good reasons for her to want to spend time in Honoka’s company. But lately, there was something else.

Maybe it was because Honoka had changed too. It wasn’t as if Honoka had never taken anything seriously before μ’s, and she’d always had the persistent stubbornness that she showed in trying to make their group a success, but… well, none of them had _ever_ been involved with something as big as this before. And even if there was no center and they didn’t _technically_ have a leader, Honoka definitely shouldered a lot of the pressure of pushing μ’s forward. And like a lump of coal turning into a diamond, that pressure had made the capable, amazing girl that had been inside Honoka all along blossom.

So, really, it was still just admiration. She was _platonically admiring_ how Honoka had gotten more responsible and just as determined as ever. And _platonically admiring_ the curve of her thighs as she practiced her thighs was just part of- wait.

Oh, what was the use? However it had happened, there was denying what had changed recently. Umi had it bad for Honoka, and she was _not_ handling it.

“Hey, Umi!”

Umi nearly jumped out of her skin for the second time in as many minutes. When the heck had Honoka snuck up on her? Was she really that out of it?

“W-What?” she said, hurriedly turning to face her.

“Is Nico bullying you?” Honoka asked, frowning. “I can go yell at her if she’s being a jerk again.”

Umi smiled weakly. “No, it’s fine, she was just annoyed because I didn’t notice her calling for us to break up into subunits.”

Honoka’s frown deepened as she stared probingly at Umi. Umi resisted the suddenly very powerful urge to squirm nervously. Something about that gaze felt like Honoka was seeing right through her, and Umi didn’t relish the thought of what exactly she’d see. “You don’t usually space out like that… are you okay?”

“I’m just a little tired. I was up late writing the lyrics,” Umi lied.

“Ohh,” Honoka said. “Well, make sure you get a bunch of sleep tonight, then.”

“I will,” Umi said, standing up with her written entirely during normal waking hours lyrics in hand. “I’m going to go meet up with Lily White. I’ll see you later, Honoka.”

It was a convenient reason to hurry away, but it wouldn’t last forever. Somehow or another, Umi was going to have to do something about these feelings, or it was going to become a problem.

* * *

Two weeks later, Umi still hadn’t found a solution. Through vigorous self-regulation, she’d managed to stop staring _quite_ so much, and had stopped completely drifting off in the middle of practices, but that was merely managing things. It wasn’t the same as fixing them.

But that was… manageable. It wasn’t as if Honoka would notice as long as Umi wasn’t completely obvious about it, after all. She just had to focus on throwing herself into practice. If she didn’t have time to think about it, it couldn’t hurt her. She just had to do what she’d always done and be focused on what mattered. So she worked as hard as she could, pushed herself and sweated out her feelings on the rooftop.

It was certainly wearing her out in a different way, though. Sitting down after Eli called a break, she took a long drink of water, utterly exhausted.

“Umi.”

Umi glanced up at Honoka only to find a surprisingly serious look on her face.

“What is it, Honoka?” she asked.

“What’s wrong?”

Panic gripped Umi’s heart.

“Nothing’s wrong,” she said. “What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been weird for a while now,” Honoka said.

“I’m fine, really,” Umi said.

Honoka sighed, sitting down next to Umi and hanging her head. “Do you not trust me, Umi?”

“What?” Umi said, taken aback. Of all the ways that she’d expected this conversation to go, it hadn’t been this.

“You never tell me when things are wrong,” Honoka said. “You always pretend like everything is okay. Do you really think I’m that unreliable?”

“I don’t-”

“Or do you think I’m just still a dumb kid who wouldn’t notice?”

“I-” Umi stammered. A pang of guilt shot through her. “I didn’t mean…”

“Please, Umi,” Honoka said, looking at her. “I’m your friend. Can’t you-”

“I-I can’t tell you about this,” Umi blurted out. “Not _you_ , of all people.”

Honoka stiffened.

“...I see,” she said, standing up. She smiled at Umi, but it was a painful, pathetic attempt at a smile. “Well, I understand. But talk to someone about it, okay? Kotori, or Nozomi, or something.”

“That’s- that’s not what I…” Umi said, but Honoka had already hurried away.

Umi sighed and pulled her knees together, pressing her forehead into her thighs.

Great. Just great.

Good work, Umi.

* * *

Umi stared up at the ceiling of her room, splayed out on her bed.

She hadn’t managed to get up the courage to try to explain to Honoka, and so for the rest of the practice, she’d just awkwardly avoided her and rushed home as soon as it was over.

What on earth was she supposed to do _now_? Even if she did apologize to Honoka, if she didn’t explain what was wrong, Honoka would still think that Umi didn’t trust her enough to confide in her. And how was she supposed to explain what had been bothering her? That would be the same as confessing her feelings!

Umi let out a sigh, wishing she had more homework. At least then she’d had something to distract her.

It would be fine in the end, she told herself. Honoka would forget, or get over it, and everything would go back to normal. It wasn’t as if they were really having a serious fight or anything. There was no reason for this drag out.

She just had to act more normal, was all. The problem was that she was being obvious, so obvious that even Honoka noticed. She’d let herself go to much. She needed to go back to being serious. Not because she wanted to be praised by adult, but so that she could go back to being the girl that Honoka had been friends with. And away from this nervous wreck who couldn’t even talk to her best friend properly.

* * *

Umi tried as hard as she could. She was sure that she didn’t act strangely at all, throughout the entire week. She was strict, and serious, and worked hard at practice but didn’t _overwork_ herself in a way that garner any attention. She acted exactly like she should be, just like she had for years and years. But Honoka was still acting a little awkward around her, and more than once, when Umi had snuck a peek at her, she’d found Honoka watching her with a worried expression.

And so, once again, Umi found Honoka looming over her as she sat down on the roof during a break.

“Umi.”

“What?” Umi said, trying not to waver under the stern look Honoka was giving her.

“You haven’t talked to anyone, have you?”

“I don’t need to talk to anyone, Honoka,” Umi said, sighing. “I told you I’m fine.”

Honoka just kept staring.

“W-What?” Umi said, her eyes darting away from Honoka. “I am.”

“...I’ve known you for most of our lives, Umi.”

Umi clenched her fists. This wasn’t _fair_. She was trying so hard. She was doing everything right. And it was _Honoka_! She shouldn’t be able to see through Umi like this. She shouldn’t know that Umi was pretending. She shouldn’t be able to just brush aside all the hard work Umi was doing because she _didn’t_ want things to be weird between them! Didn’t she understand that Umi was doing this for _her_? For her group, that meant so much to her? If there was a romance that went bad, it would completely ruin μ’s. It didn’t _matter_ how Umi felt! She had to protect the group. She had to protect Honoka’s dreams. She couldn’t just, selfishly-

“Alright, everyone, break’s over!” Eli said, clapping her hands.

“...Come talk to me after practice is over,” Honoka said. “If you avoid me again, I’ll get mad.”

“...Fine,” Umi said.

She’d just have to make something up. She didn’t like lying to Honoka, but she had to resolve this somehow. As long as she gave Honoka some reason why she’d been upset and hiding it, things would work out.

She could still salvage this.

* * *

“...so that’s why I’ve been a little off. I’m sorry for hiding it from you, but… I was a little embarrassed to be upset about something so trivial.” Umi bowed deeply to Honoka.

It wasn’t much of an excuse. But realistically, if she’d been that bothered by something so meaningless, she _would_ be embarrassed to admit it. It should be believable enough. Honoka would sigh in resignation and scold her for trying to hide it, and then they could just-

“Stop lying to me.”

Umi froze awkwardly, halfway through straightening up.

“I thought we were friends,” Honoka said, and Umi glanced up to see that she was clenching her fists. “I thought… I thought we could trust each other with anything. I thought that even if you didn’t think I was responsible enough to confide in, you’d at least be honest with me.”

Tears were pricking at Honoka’s eyes now. “I thought you at least cared about me that much.”

It was like a knife driving itself into Umi’s heart.

“But now you’re just trying to brush me off again, and this time you won’t even be honest about it,” Honoka said. “And you’re acting like I don’t know you at all. As if I’d believe something like that was true. Just how dumb do you think I am? Do you really think I haven’t learned anything about you, in all this time?!”

“N-No,” Umi stammered, desperately. “I don’t think-”

“Fine!” Honoka said, rubbing at her eyes with her arm furiously. “I get it! I was the only one who felt this way, this whole time. I’m just a pain to you. You just want me to leave you alone, right?”

“That isn’t it-”

“Then I will,” Honoka said, turning and starting to walk away.

This was all wrong. This couldn’t be happening. Honoka was so angry, and hurt, and it was all Umi’s fault. If she walked away now, would their relationship ever be the same again? Was Umi, right now, watching the friendship she’d treasured since she was a child fall apart?

“I’m in love with you!” Umi shouted.

Honoka froze in her tracks.

“That’s why I couldn’t tell you,” Umi said, gripping her forearm as she looked away, afraid that Honoka would turn around and Umi would see what the expression on her face was at that moment. “It wasn’t because I don’t trust you, Honoka. And it’s not because I don’t care about you.”

Honoka was silent.

“Please,” Umi said, quietly. “Please just forget all of this. Please don’t let my feelings destroy μ’s. You’ve worked so hard for us all to come to this far. If.. if that was all wasted because of me… I couldn’t bear it.”

“...why is that what you’re worried about right now?” Honoka asked.

“What?”

“You just confessed your feelings to me, you know,” Honoka said, shaking slightly. “Why… why are you only concerned with other people? Why do you only care about what happens to μ’s?”

She turned around, and before Umi could look away, she frozen in place by the tears running down Honoka’s face.

“Why can’t you care about yourself more, Umi?” Honoka asked. “Why… why can’t you ever reach for your own happiness, instead of worrying about mine?”

“I…” Umi said.

Before she could gather herself together enough to speak, Honoka had rushed over to her, enveloping her in a crushing hug.

“I love you too, Umi,” she said, clinging to her fiercely. “I’m sorry for not noticing.”

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Umi was supposed to have hidden this from Honoka. Umi was supposed to be the mature one. And yet, as Umi buried her face in Honoka’s shoulers and let all the anxious, frightened tears that she’d been holding back fall in relief as Honoka rubbed her back, she couldn’t help but feel like Honoka was more of an adult that she’d ever been.

Maybe it wasn’t just Umi who had changed. Honoka had changed too.

And Umi just loved her even more.


End file.
